My mood is as dull as the weather today.
I went out for my daily exercise and the world just seemed dull. There was colour but seemed somewhat desaturated. I have once again entered into one of those days where I enter into a spiral of sadness and re-evaluate my life.
I exited from the house with multiple thoughts in my head. What's wrong with me? Why do other's assume I am not doing something because nothing has happened? Why am I not where I want to be in life? Why does the horizon seem close yet finds a way to escape me?
I know my life right now is very chaotic, what with struggling for work (freelance) and finding a new house. But I still feel stuck in a hole while the world continues to move. I am also fed up and angry and the constant "Something will come along soon", "Don't worry" bull crap that everyone keeps throwing at me. Soon has come and gone, the pity party is getting depressing and does not help my mood.
Threw out my university life I managed to convince myself that the reason I don't have a boyfriend/steady relationship is because I was too caught up in my studies. Now I convinced myself that the reason I am still alone is because my life is still not right and once I move things will happen. Well today I have rethought that. Did I come up with this to convince myself or to others? Am I still a virgin because I come up with these excuses not to be with someone, or as a fog to hide how unattractive men seem to find me?
What I do is very demanding and many in that field are alone because they are so career driven or are in a job that don't sit in the 9-5 routine. I like it like that, I don't like keeping to certain hours I like the unpredictable side of it. But with things being tough I have also questioned myself "Am I good enough?" I have even looked at what I have done and said "That is shit why am I doing this?". Nothing else excites me.
Is this why I am a virgin still? Because I don't see myself as being good enough? Or too caught up in work that I don't want to make a commitment? Or is it the fear of the grass not being greener on the other side?
I get angry at others, I get angry and put myself in a dark place, some days there is light but still in this dark hole of anger and sadness. Often this anger leads to action.
Something has to be done.
Yours
Secret Virgin
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2 comments:
Wow, I never thought I'd find something like this in the world. You're exactly like a female version of myself.
I'm in the exact same situation: same age, also a freelancer (struggling freelancer), virgin as hell, etc.
I'd like to respectfully share a thought with you, maybe it will help you with your situation:
In my case, I definitely lost a lot of good opportunities because I was too caught up with my studies (translation), and, like you, I'm feeling depressed right now, and my anger is being projected to others.
Have you thought that, maybe, you are not happy with the way your job is going?
In my case it may be one of the rasons, or THE reason, I wanted to be a translator and sacrificed a lot for achieving it (I became the best student), but I went out to the real world and found myself teaching English, and getting underpaid translation jobs...
Maybe there is something about your job that makes you unhappy and you havent realized?
OK, sorry for the long rant. I just couldn't help writing it as I saw we share common situations.
Regards
Thanks for your thought.
What is annoying about what I do is that my current location is highly unsuitable all the work is somewhere else and finding a place within my budget that has what I need is very hard and also knowing that companies are interested in me but won't hire me because I live too far away. I think that's where my frustration lies.
It's nice to know there are others out there feeling the way I do.
SV
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