1. Express boredom
Labour can be long, sometimes unfortunately lasting for days. Sighing, looking at your watch, pretending to fall asleep or verbally expressing how bored you are is a definite no-no during any part of labour. Husbands and partners, take note, how ever long labour seems for you, it seems five times longer for your partner. With each hour that passes, your boredom increases, but for her each hour brings more pain, more exhaustion and more frustration as your baby makes its entrance into the world. If you're bored, go for a walk around the block. And remember, you can take time out, she can't.
2. Sit on your Blackberry/iPhone/Laptop
Sitting and worrying about the meeting you are missing at work, or talking endlessly on your phone is going to annoy everyone, especially your wife who'll be in pain listening to you chatting about strategies and forcasts. Being at your child's birth is a special experience that will probably happen only a few times in your life, so turn your phone off and focus on helping your partner through what is undoubtedly one of the most difficult things she'll ever go through.
3. Panic
If you're squeamish or don't like blood you need to talk about this before your partner starts labouring. The last thing the midwives need is another patient; you hyperventilating in the corner. Staying calm is going to help your partner's labour, but if she sees you panicking she'll panic herself. If you are finding it too much (it's OK to feel this by the way) go for a quick stroll outside, get some fresh air and a cup of tea, rather than sweating it out.
4. Flirt with the midwives
Just so wrong in every way. Even joke flirting isn't going to cut it. Midwives are there to make sure that your partner and baby enter the world as safely as possible. They are often understaffed and have worked an all-night shift. The last thing they need is you and your one-liners.
5. Look disgusted, or worse, retch
Labour isn't pretty. There's blood and gunk and sometimes poo. Looking disgusted or verbalising how grossed out you are is absolutely not on. Nor is telling your partner off for grunting or screaming. (Believe me, a woman in labour CANNOT control the sounds that come out of her mouth).
6. Get annoyed with her
The midwives are telling her to push, you're telling her to push, the tea lady is telling her to push… if she isn't doing what is being asked, it's not because she's trying to be clever, or lazy or indolent, she's exhausted. Even her eyelashes are tired. Give her a break and try to understand what she is feeling; having a go at her isn't going to speed labour up.
7. Say inappropriate things
Like, 'can you put an extra stitch in', whilst she's being stitched up following an episiotomy. Or 'I can see the head… only joking, I can't see anything but xxx'. The labour ward isn't really the time for your stand up comedy routine.
8. Think you know better
Unless you are absolutely convinced it's in your partner's best interests, don't argue with the midwives or your partner. They've seen millions of babies being born and most of the time they DO know best, so respect their opinions and try not to play doctor.
9. Not turn up
Unless you've discussed it with your partner and it's been decided another birth partner would be more suitable than you, (her mum or sister for example) this really is a drop-everything situation. Even if this is your big presentation moment at work, or your team makes the FA Cup Final, if your partner needs you at the birth, be there.
10. Making the 'birth film'
Unless your partner has specifically requested your videoing skills, don't try to make your directorial debut with the birth video. Trying to get a good shot will probably mean you are in everyone's way whilst your baby is being delivered, not to mention that you'll miss the actual moment by being stuck behind a camera. Your partner will be in no position to argue with you about what you are filming, and she's not only at a very vulnerable point in her life, she's also bright red in the face, exhausted, she's likely to have been up for 24 hours and not wearing many clothes. She could well be grunting or screaming. Would you want to be filmed like this? Having said that, there is nothing wrong with filming at a few carefully chosen (calm) moments away from the action and if you do film the actual moment of birth, do not (and I repeat) DO NOT show it to anyone else. This is for the two of you to enjoy, not your office, or for Grandparents, or saved for your new baby's 18th birthday.
Yours
Secret Virgin
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1 comment:
Haha, if I were in labor and The Husband pulled any of those stunts, he probably wouldn't be able to father any more children.
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